Home
the hound and the scent   
10:47pm 27/05/2008
 

i look around
i smell the air
clutching at the slightest scent
it's not the one for me
i try again
there's so many, i don't know where to start.

this one's too rich
this one's too clean
this one won't suit
this one is something i haven't smelled before
this one just flows past me - it doesn't even linger for a second

i will find it, my smell
the one i will wear through the storm
the one that will give me togetherness
i will find that smell, she will be mine
and i will wear her

  
     Post
 
how strange, innocence.   
02:13pm 12/01/2006
  i used to think that i was cool. that people actually got on with me. when i lived in south witham, i was never really all that, but the friends i had stayed with me. whereas, for the most part, they listened to trendier music, and socialised more, we still got on and had a lot in common.
then college, where i had even more friends, mainly due to the alternative scene and the graphics room. most of my friends were younger than me, which i guess can be blmaed on my blatant refusal to act my age. for four/five years, it was good. i had people to talk to, and i had girlfriends, and i felt alive, even through the falling out with fuj and leaving college. one by one, these friends left, whether it be to go to uni, or to socialise elsewhere when they had grown past our clique. still i stayed, and made new friends as the regulars at the dog changed. by rights, i should have left the dog scene a while back, since now there are only a handful of people that i genuinely like still there. it's difficult to let go, though, and it's safe there. recently, though, i have been wondering why i seem to be less 'cool' to some people, seem to be less likable. i don't think that i'm neccessarily a bad person. yes, i may be lazy and i might put people out, but it's never on purpose. i'm not a liar, i'm not a cheat [anymore], and i don't take too many liberties. it seems, though, that i'm forever trying to be what people want me to be, because i know that deep down, i'm too into movies, too opinionated, too quiet to be as popular as i'd like. i put other people first a lot of the time, and for the most part, that goes unnoticed, even contradicted. i seem to be trying to get people to like me, even though they really don't give me anything worth smiling about.
i know that i'm getting older, and that while i moan like this, i do have friends that genuiunely like me. the problem there is, these friends are the ones i hardly ever see, and it's the people that make me feel shit that i hang out with. where i used to be very much my own person, i'm now that annoying hanger-on, always around whether people like it or not, and i'm afraid that this is going to be a situation that gets heightened, and i'm going to be more and more outcast until i don't even know where my place is. even now, in writing this, i'm very unsure of that already. i know that the people that i work with think i'm a drag, and they'd be completely non-plussed if i wasn't there. i know my family wish i was more... together, that i didn't constantly rely on them for favours. i don't know how to be that, though. i don't know how to be anything but that which i am, which is why i feel like i'm losing something good. i don't want to be the kind of person that drinks alone, or spends all of his time in his room watching movies and reading. i want to go out, to do something other than the routine thati have been in for so long. it's difficult when my real friends aren't around, because they have their own lives to lead [obviously, i'm not blaming anyone other than myself for this].
this is how i feel. really. like i'm constantly not wanted, and it's a hard thing to deal with. i've felt this for a while, and it's 90% to blame for my feeling down all the time. i just don't know how to change anything, therefore i'm worried that i'll stay this unhappy.

that's my moan. i moan, simply, because i know not what to do.		  
     Read 5 - Post
 
   
02:13pm 30/09/2005
  it's coming again
it's heading my way
it's coming again
it's heading my way
and i have to keep on telling myself
that it's not the worst thing that can happen
i have to keep telling myself
i have to
i have to
otherwise the world will collapse on me
i'm sure of it
i can see it coming
i can hear the scream
i can see her hurting
even before i've begun
i have to keep on telling myself
that it doesn't mean a thing
i have to
i have to
otherwise the sky will fall
i'm sure of it

and if it doesn't
and if i'm fine
does that mean she loves me?
does that mean she wants me?
you see, i have to keep on telling myself
that she wants me like i want her
i have to keep on
i have to
otherwise i'll lose it all
and while it ain't much

it's all i got		  
     Post
 
   
10:13am 20/09/2005
  i'm ill.
i'm sickly.
i need to get more sleep.
my head is hurting,
my stomach does, too.
i can barely swallow
[but that's not really much of a problem],
and i won't be smoking today
[which is less of a problem, but i might be ratty].
i hate feeling like this.
it's always at a relly inconvenient time, too.
like when i have to go somewhere
or do something
or save a bloody relationship.
i think it's that which has made me poorly.
but, oh well. it gives me an excuse to stay home tonight,
watch movies, and eat/drink soup.
smiles better.		  
     Post
 
dreamtime   
07:09pm 17/09/2005
  in this dream, i run. i never know where to, or what from, but i run.
i run while the sun sets and the clouds part, i run for my life.
i feel the heave of my breath, the acid sting in my mouth.
the lactose build-up in my legs.
still i run.
i run.
my hair gets in my eyes, lank and sweaty and cold.
i look behind me, i see nothing, but still i am filled with terror,
the unseen hunter bearing down on me
and i run faster, not feeling the floor as i rush over it.
i need to know, i need to see
i need to understand the reason.
why? who?
what am i running from?
will they catch me?
if they do catch me, will that be it, will i run no more?
will i wake or will i not?
i'm still running, fleeing, escaping,
i'm still being pursued.
and all i can think is "wake or die. wake or die.
wake.
or die".		  
     Post
 
  feeling_autumn
 
 

Advertisement